This past Tuesday.   However, I have to admit, what I heard was difficult, no impossible, to accept.  You see, I met with one of the senior pastors of my church.  I have for several years been in the process of ordination, and this pastor basically told me that a church committee and she had decided that I was not approvable to continue in that process.  As much as I do believe that I should look to the discernment of church leaders, in this particular circumstance I have to follow my heart, mind, and soul's discernment that God really is calling me to ordained ministry as a hospital chaplain.  This now means that I must go to seminary in another part of the country, (where I have already been accepted), and find a new church of the same denomination to which I pray God will lead me, and start completely over in the ordination process.  There have been other times in my life when I had to completely start over, and with God's strength I can do it again.  What saddens me is that I know that there are other members of my current church who know me well enough to approve me, but these people are not on the committee and the current senior pastors have been here barely six months.  One of my strongest prayers right now is for God to help me honestly agape love this new pastor.  She has, unfortunately, become an obstacle on the path which God has called me to travel.  I cannot go over her, under her, or around her.  I can only love my way through her.  And yes, I must make a point to really listen to her.

Several people have responded to this question saying it is when they are in the shower.  Well, my answer is close to that.  I do not take showers though -- I take baths.  It is in the bathtub, with the soothing hot water and shampoo and soap.  There is something about this nightly cleansing ritual that makes me both think better and pray better.

Almost total immersion in the hair washing process, makes me feel baptized all over again and prepared to creatively face whatever the current dilemmas are in my life with a new outlook and fresh perspective.  It is in this context that I problem solve, plan the ideas for my next day's music therapy sessions, reflect on the day that is now drawing to a close, prepare my heart for the Bible reading and devotionals that will soon follow, and most of all, bare my soul to the Father who does not mind at all that I am in the bathtub.

It seems almost an inspired question.  Right now I have been asked to prove that something is true.  I am seeking not only to determine what is true, but how to convince someone else of this truth, and my entire future hangs in the balance.

You see two days ago I met with a pastor who wanted me to share how I know that I am called to ordained ministry.  The directness of her approach was quite surprising to me, and I felt truly taken aback.  The right words were not in my reach under the circumstances at that moment.  Therefore, I have asked for some time to pray, think, and reflect.

I have taken time to seek the wisdom of many of my fellow Gaia community members, drawing what I felt I could honestly glean from your responses to this question.  And yet, I must still find an answer that works for me about determining truth, specifically about determining this particular truth and then transmitting it effectively to someone who has the power to negate my certified candidacy for ordination status. 

I ask for any comments to this that any of you believe would propel me forward in my quest  for a truth that I have felt for over 30 years was valid, but which I must now re-examine and re-determine "beyond a shadow of a doubt" and then move forward in strong faith and conviction.

I covet the prayers of those of you who believe in prayer and the care of even those of you who may not.

I'm not sure my response to this question will be appreciated, nor taken seriously, and maybe it should not be counted as totally a serious stance.  I am about to enter a school of theology where I will study, most predominantly, the Jewish Scriptures and the Christian New Testament.  The Bible is full of rules or commandments or whatever you wish to call them.  The one verse in the Bible that has bothered me most for the longest is Matthew 5:32 which says:

  "If a man divorces his wife even though she has not been unfaithful to him, he is guilty of making her an adulteress, and any man who marries a woman so divorced, commits adultery.

When I was going through my divorce twenty-five years ago, I came across this verse for the first time in a way that struck me personally.  It seems terribly unfair if taken literally.  To me it would make more sense that a man who marries a woman who has been terribly unfairly deserted by a former husband to whom she was totally faithful, should be blessed triple!   Certainly it should not be counted as one of the top ten offenses written in Hebrew for Charleston Heston on stone tablets by the hand of the Almighty.

Let me hasten to say that I do not feel that literal interpretation of every verse of scripture is faithful to the overall spirit of the Bible, nor is it healthy theology.  I once had a professor who said,  "Never judge the whole Bible by one verse.  Instead judge that one verse by the whole Bible."

So, if I could undo a rule, maybe this would be the one I would choose.  It seems no one puts much stock in it anyway, since people divorce and remarry at the drop of a hat these days, and marriage partners are, unfortunately, not as likely to be sexually faithful to each other.  Come to think of it, maybe the laws about what constitutes legal grounds for divorce should be changed, or maybe the laws about what a couple (of opposite sex or same sex) must do to be allowed to get married should be altered.  Whatever rules we change, we need to consider prudently and carefully what is going to make for a truly better world for us to all share in harmony.